Relationship Probs..Help!

[LadyDeath]

I know we have alot of gurus in trinispice here so this topic is to ask any question or advice on love problems that you canot seem to figure out .

Joe and Mary have been going out reallll years now but they have a problem. Mary used to do somethings and make alot of mistakes in the past in the few months of their relationship that she did not mean or didn't know she was doing. Joe loves her very much and he forgives her to move on with their relationship. There has to be forgiveness right to move on. But now everytime they have a fight he always brings up the past and blames her for him to act the way he is acting. he says she will never change because she showed she would not listen to him. sometimes mary feels that he will never stop bringing up the past for them to move on and forget it because he always have it in his mind.


What shall they do?

 

[RauCous]

They should start having empathy for each other... try to see both sides of the relationship.. It might be hard but its worth it. That might help.
I dont have a relationship but the way i see it is that the past should stay the past. You cant have progress if you dont strive to what could be instead of what was. It's not much of a relationship if it only exists in retrospect. Joe Using your partners faults as a crutch for your own isn't conducive to healing the relationship. Mary
Arguments will happen but if nothing mutually useful is communicated then it is pointless... there comes a time when being frank is completly necessary.. stop caring about hurting feelings thats not your goal.
Unless both people know what they're in it for it wont work..
But still i never had no relationship.. so thats just my outsiders view.

 

[admin]

But what if mary does not listen to joe for many reason, after joe have to be telling her over and over again everyday about particular things, and mary still would not consider what joe is saying and understand how he feels. Mary keeps on saying that she promise to do it and she will not do it again and this time for sure but that never happens, Don't you not think that joe sees this as a problem because later on in time if mary don't fix this agreeing problem that she has it could lead to other problems.
Mary keeps on telling joe yes but mary is all works but no actions, would that not stir up joe, if mary continues this joe wll feel that mary just pretends to listen to joe and what comes out one ear comes out the next.

 

[RauCous]

Relationship Probs... Help

If this is true then mary needs to show herself through actions. People communicate different ways sometimes. All those personality tests i did stressed that people who take in and convey emotions and thoughts differently will have difficulty communicating. Some people prefer actions like Joe. Some people prefer words. Some people prefer time alone and intense one on one talks. People like me sense moods.. if someone is angry i'd respond strongly to it.. even take in personally, even if it has nothing to do with me. If you dont know how your partner takes in appreciation it will be difficult to convince them otherwise. Conversely you have to understand that your partner may be always showing thier feelings but in a way you're less receptive. It doesn't make their intention less meaningful. They may well fully put everything into the relationship the only way they find most comfortable or possible.
Both Mary and Joe need to make clear the ways in which they see for feel more comfortable showing affection. And they need to cater for each others means of communicating it.
EDIT+++++ Joe has to be sure what he's asking is reasonable and something he will actively facilitate, some change is hard. but it has to be reasonable!

 

[LadyDeath]

They both need to make changes if they want the relationship to work not ACT THE SAME WAY AS ANOTHER PARTNER DOES AND SAY " WELL IF YOU CAN TALK AND ACT THE WAY TO ME THEN I AM DOING THE SAME TO SPITE YOU" thats not the way ...they need to sort things out and keep spaces in their lives to change

 

[RauCous]

They both need to make changes if they want the relationship to work not ACT THE SAME WAY AS ANOTHER PARTNER DOES AND SAY " WELL IF YOU CAN TALK AND ACT THE WAY TO ME THEN I AM DOING THE SAME TO SPITE YOU" thats not the way ...they need to sort things out and keep spaces in their lives to change

true!! If they both really want change things like that should never occur. It have a time to stop thinking negatively and selfishly, and actually do whats best for each other.

 

[admin]

Thats what joe is trying to get to mary, joe keeps on telling mary that how to change for the better for the relationship but again marry does not want to take action, jeo changed almost every thing in his life for mary but mary don't what to change for the relationship

 

[candy8998]

all can say is wow, i can relate to joe but mary is like my bf, if joe didn't love mary more than life itself he wouldn't put up with it, so joe continues to look for hope that one day mary would see how he wants things to be and hopefully she can abide by this and they could live happily, its hard for mary because she may feel the same way, and also does stuff unconsciously and then thinks about it after right? but im sure mary tries very hard and joe sees it, joe sees that mary is infact trying to change but sometimes stuff doesn't go the way it's wanted to go. Joe and mary sometimes just don't see eye to eye, joe doesn't believe that mary is right vice versa, i believe the best thing to do is just listen and believe eachother, avoid arguments by giving eachother a chance to explain what's wrong. In my situation i try hard to believe that things would go better and it does when we both decide that we're tired of fussing and fighting and he goes and mess it up!! making me lose faith then i dont know what else to do after. Just know that expressing frustration and anger is not going to cause a person to change, they're supposed to do that on their own, not just because you dropped everything for them they can do the same. Telling someone to change is not nice either because the accuser might need to change to as mentioned before, but joe shouldn't put change into the relationship so much and caring less about something wouldn't do much. Bringing up the past just shows how much it hurts, in a way it's saying "hey i never did this and that to you because i love you and i could never possibly dream of doing that to you, so why you doing that to me" Usually it happens because it may relate to the situation now, or just to plain put the blame on you. Well at least this is how i see it.

 

[Resha]

Mary and Joe should take a break..... Both of them are waiting for one another to take some sought of action...
I know running away from the problem is not the solution but they look like they need a little space... During that space , they should think about the problems and come up with some reasonable soulution...

 

[RauCous]

^^^ Resha speaks wisdom.. learn it. (and do what she says without all the angryness)

 

[LadyDeath]

Hahaha .....

Faith and Jery have been going out a long time now but there's one problem. Faith's parents does not know about Jery because of certain reasons and alot of times she does not get to meet him. Sometimes they feel they do not move on because of this and sometimes Jery blames it on Faith that she has not tell her parents. But if Faith does then she will never get to see Jery again and Everything will be taken away from her. He wants her to tell her parents but her parents is too strict and they will never understand even thou she is the right age. Faith understands this but she loves him and she cannot loose him.she also understands his feelings but there's nothing she can do not even tell them they're friends. What shall they do? Should Jery wait for another year until the right time?


I BROUGHT THIS UP BCUZ I KNOW THIS HAPPENS NEARLY IN EVERYONE'S RELATIONSHIP

 

[Vickie]

Well i have had a boyfriend for 5 years now yes a very long time and i didnot tell my parents up to now because i know how they would react. I told him although i love him and would do anything for him and i understand his feelings that i know my parents and yes i know hiding is not good but if i tell them in the correct time they would accept him and like him and everything will be great

 

[RauCous]

Is not telling the same as hiding? Is it the same as lying? I think my parents would figure it out themselves so i wont do a big fancy intro thing its not like i'm getting engaged lol. To me it depends on how close we are.. if we just met i'd wait to see what develops before i tell people. When I know our relationship could mature then i'd say.
Thats if I had a girl .

 

[LadyDeath]

hahahahaha......well some parents are different and because of this some children lie to them and hide things because they would not understand. if parents communicate with their children better and let them know not to be afraid to tell them anything and atleast say they will try to understand well maybe there would not be this . I know there is a certain limit to where parents and children go in communicating but i just saying that they were once teens and they know how it is and they have to trust us not to expect the same thing to happen to some of them but to expect that we do not follow from their footsteps and to be more careful of the people we choose to be in a relationship with. Love is something many people cannot stop and alot of people fall for it so many just have to accept it

 

[Wyspa]

Ppl i readin all the comments and came to one conclusion. He has not forgiven her for what she did in the early stages. He claims to, but he didn't. Thats the main reason why he keeps bringin it back up everytime they argue. He needs to honestly forgive her then they can begin to work at fixing their relationship. Nothing is going to get any better unless he gets past that point. Everything else, are just the symptoms. The cause is his un-willing to forgive. Like i said treat the cause. not the symptoms.

 

[Vickie]

Okay Kar and trinispice members i have a next problem i need your advice on. I know its long but please read.

You know that same story karrie said about faith and jerry its happening to me but you see the thing is my bf and i got really close that we cannot loose each other and we both did things and it made the relationship more mature and unbreakable. The thing is i have a school life and a family life and a life with my bf. I Handle things good and balance but sometimes i cannot talk and make time for him due to these school and family life and now he thinks i am hiding things from him and cheating on him. The thing is i am waiting on the right moment to tell my parents and i love him so much that there's no one in my life except him. i keep telling him i am not but he do not believe me. he thinks that i am immature and haven't experience real life because i am not working and socializing enough and when i reach that age eg. Going to UWI, i will see a next boy and break up with him or will forget him.
Thats not true he really don't understand how much i love him and need him and i show him these things already but he seems to forget

 

[LadyDeath]

So...i shall talk last..allure answer the girl question nah

 

[RauCous]

But none ah we know how to deal with that. O.O You go first.

 

[Resha]

i keep telling him i am not but he do not believe me.

No matter how long you try to keep a relationship steady, it will cramble until something is done.... To me, the masculine figure tend to always want to put things in order.... All that is good but ah girl need her time too...She would know when the time is right to put things in order... When yuh in relationship for so long and one lose trust, then yuh got problems...

 

[Vickie]

Thank you resha. everything is still the way now and nothing have not changed. he keeps blaming me for his faults because i have not told my parents and how i don't get to meet him often