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- Nov 10, 2014
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Consent - to agree to do or allow something : to give permission for something to happen or be done.
*Note Beforehand: This post may be a bit one-sided and fueled with pissed-off-ness because as a human being, I take personal issue with the lack of consent I see present in everyday society.
All over the internet, I'm seeing posts about how important it is for men to ask permission before touching women's bodies, using a celebrity faux pas here and there to illustrate this. I totally agree with this wholeheartedly, as I have and continue to experience unwelcome and unwanted touches from men in society. However, as a feminist, I have to say it doesn't stop at telling men to respect women's bodies. This sudden viral awareness of consent should extend to women touching men, men touching men, women touching women, people touching children, and anyone touching anyone in general.
But Shadowhunter, you say, we can't all live like agoraphobes (fear of public places and/or social situations) and aphenphosmphobes (fear of being touched). Don't be cray-cray, girl. Get off that soapbox and talk about cool stuff for once.
Okay, okay. I hear you. But listen to this:
If you've ever had someone pull at your underwear in school, did you know that is sexual assault? Examples include the infamous bra snapping and wedgies.
If you've ever touched a child's private areas without their knowledge and consent, did you know that is child sexual abuse and molestation? Examples include bottom patting/slapping and tickling their chest or between their legs.
If anyone, regardless of whether it's a stranger or someone you know, has ever cupped, squeezed, grabbed, or hit your private areas without your knowledge and consent, did you know that is sexual abuse and molestation? Examples include guys getting kicked in the junk "for fun", someone grabbing a girl's breast or bottom and running off "to prove a point"/ "for fun", and anyone's rear end being slapped or squeezed in any situation.
If someone has ever forcibly held you close to their body or put their body part on yours and/or insisted you put your body part on theirs, did you know that is sexual harassment and can also be molestation and/or sexual abuse? Examples include a forced hug and kiss on the cheek, being grabbed and kissed on the lips, or being pulled to someone as they insert their hands in your pockets or anywhere else in or on your clothing or force you to do the same to them.
Yeah I'm serious. Dead freaking serious. Let's forget about consent for a second. Let's think about legit situations, but totally ignore the existence of consent.
Adults, teens, and children with anxiety, obsessive/compulsive, and/or panic disorders may not be able to handle being touched. Many war veterans suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - victims often relive their traumatizing experiences at the slightest hint of triggers that remind them of it) have been known to instinctively attack people that touch them unexpectedly or against their will, triggering their trauma experiences of being in combat. Many victims of abuse often break down and/or scream, cry, convulse, etc or experience pure panic as they relive their trauma triggered by someone's unexpected or unwelcome touch. In some cases, they need to be hospitalized. In some cases, the people around them need to be hospitalized.
Adults, teens, and children with behavioral disorders may not be able to handle being touched. People with autism and sensory processing disorder may feel pain, fear, or severe trauma when touched unexpectedly or without their knowledge, understanding, and consent. In many cases, their brain works as though there is a traffic jam and "normal" situations are not processed "normally". For some of these people, they are presented with overwhelming and overstimulating experiences every day, all day long and it takes years of therapy and training for them to learn to process, adjust, and accept the things they cannot control such as traffic noises, loud music, blaring TVs, fireworks, doctor checkups, etc. Whether or not they have access to such training and therapy, something as simple as an unexpected or unwelcome hug, handshake, pat on the back, or too-close-for-comfort physical conversation, may be so stressful for them that it can upset, terrify, anger, or traumatize them for anywhere from hours to days.
Pregnant women, new mothers, growing children, and pubescent teens may be physically ill, experiencing severe mental stress, and suffering from other behind-the-scenes issues that may overwhelm them at someone's unexpected or unwelcome touch. Rubbing any part of their developing bodies may make them physically ill, overly conscious and critical of themselves, and contribute to problems such as body dysmorphic disorder (which can lead to eating disorders for example), anxiety, depression, and heighten their stress levels. This also objectifies them as items to be touched and not as people to be conversed with or respected. Some may only be stressed, angered, or distressed momentarily. Some may be traumatized and obsess over it each time they are overwhelmed by similar situations.
Adults, teens, and children with allergies risk allergic reactions when they are touched by others who many be carrying allergens. This can something as minor as a person hugging someone who was eating peanuts, and coming back to hug a child or pregnant woman with anaphylactic (life-threatening) allergies to peanuts afterwards, as the tiny nut particles set off a reaction and sends the innocent child or pregnant woman to the ER. This can be something as minor as wearing cosmetic items with fragrance and holding someone's hand, hugging, kissing, etc resulting in hives, allergic contact dermatitis, or other skin conditions on the areas of the person you touched, who is allergic to fragrance.
Back to consent.
Consent is more than a seven lettered word. It's a word with meaning, and one we should all remember. This isn't just about date raping and being groped in alleyways or on national TV. This is about everyone respecting everyone's personal space and boundaries. It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation or identity, social status, relationship status etc is. What matters is that we respect each other enough to understand that feelings, opinions, comfort levels, and boundaries matter.
Without prior knowledge, understanding, and consent, it's not "okay" to:
No matter what the situation is or the relation to the person, it is never okay to do anything to or involving anyone without their prior knowledge, understanding, or consent. Otherwise, you would be violating their feelings, opinions, and right to feel comfortable, safe, and respected.
This is a very difficult message to bring across in the land of "all ah we is one family" where "no consent required" is shoved down many of our throats from a very young age for many of the excuses listed above.
Still don't get the big deal?
Look at the face of a child being forcefully grabbed and squeezed by someone they don't want interacting with them that way vs. the child who willfully and happily embraces someone they wish to interact with in a consensual, safe, appropriate manner.
Look at the body language of a couple willfully and happily consenting to be in each other's embrace vs. the body language of the relationship with a forceful, domineering partner instructing the other to obey their commands or a relationship with one party taking advantage of someone who is not in their right frame of mind due to a severe mental disorder, medication, or disorienting substances.
My point: Never assume that you are entitled to or that you have the right to do anything to or involving someone else without their prior knowledge, understanding, and overall consent. Someone else's ideologies and wants do not ever trump your feelings and comfort levels. Do you hear me? Not ever.
Touch is not the only thing that should require consent, but just one example. I know I've experienced the assumed "norm" of "no consent" many times and I've seen it happen as well. Have you? Did you feel comfortable? Did you like it? If you could say something about it, would you tell someone to continue doing things you were not comfortable with and did not approve of or want? Do you or would you extend this assumed "no consent" behavior and mentality in your interactions with others?
*Note: The views expressed in this post are those of Shadowhunter, as a separate person, and does not necessarily reflect that of the staff or the website www.RealTrini.com as the TriniMotors forums are open to discussion on all opinions and welcome everyone to post their views.
(Merriam-Webster's definition)
*Note Beforehand: This post may be a bit one-sided and fueled with pissed-off-ness because as a human being, I take personal issue with the lack of consent I see present in everyday society.
All over the internet, I'm seeing posts about how important it is for men to ask permission before touching women's bodies, using a celebrity faux pas here and there to illustrate this. I totally agree with this wholeheartedly, as I have and continue to experience unwelcome and unwanted touches from men in society. However, as a feminist, I have to say it doesn't stop at telling men to respect women's bodies. This sudden viral awareness of consent should extend to women touching men, men touching men, women touching women, people touching children, and anyone touching anyone in general.
But Shadowhunter, you say, we can't all live like agoraphobes (fear of public places and/or social situations) and aphenphosmphobes (fear of being touched). Don't be cray-cray, girl. Get off that soapbox and talk about cool stuff for once.
Okay, okay. I hear you. But listen to this:
If you've ever had someone pull at your underwear in school, did you know that is sexual assault? Examples include the infamous bra snapping and wedgies.
If you've ever touched a child's private areas without their knowledge and consent, did you know that is child sexual abuse and molestation? Examples include bottom patting/slapping and tickling their chest or between their legs.
If anyone, regardless of whether it's a stranger or someone you know, has ever cupped, squeezed, grabbed, or hit your private areas without your knowledge and consent, did you know that is sexual abuse and molestation? Examples include guys getting kicked in the junk "for fun", someone grabbing a girl's breast or bottom and running off "to prove a point"/ "for fun", and anyone's rear end being slapped or squeezed in any situation.
If someone has ever forcibly held you close to their body or put their body part on yours and/or insisted you put your body part on theirs, did you know that is sexual harassment and can also be molestation and/or sexual abuse? Examples include a forced hug and kiss on the cheek, being grabbed and kissed on the lips, or being pulled to someone as they insert their hands in your pockets or anywhere else in or on your clothing or force you to do the same to them.
Yeah I'm serious. Dead freaking serious. Let's forget about consent for a second. Let's think about legit situations, but totally ignore the existence of consent.
Adults, teens, and children with anxiety, obsessive/compulsive, and/or panic disorders may not be able to handle being touched. Many war veterans suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - victims often relive their traumatizing experiences at the slightest hint of triggers that remind them of it) have been known to instinctively attack people that touch them unexpectedly or against their will, triggering their trauma experiences of being in combat. Many victims of abuse often break down and/or scream, cry, convulse, etc or experience pure panic as they relive their trauma triggered by someone's unexpected or unwelcome touch. In some cases, they need to be hospitalized. In some cases, the people around them need to be hospitalized.
Adults, teens, and children with behavioral disorders may not be able to handle being touched. People with autism and sensory processing disorder may feel pain, fear, or severe trauma when touched unexpectedly or without their knowledge, understanding, and consent. In many cases, their brain works as though there is a traffic jam and "normal" situations are not processed "normally". For some of these people, they are presented with overwhelming and overstimulating experiences every day, all day long and it takes years of therapy and training for them to learn to process, adjust, and accept the things they cannot control such as traffic noises, loud music, blaring TVs, fireworks, doctor checkups, etc. Whether or not they have access to such training and therapy, something as simple as an unexpected or unwelcome hug, handshake, pat on the back, or too-close-for-comfort physical conversation, may be so stressful for them that it can upset, terrify, anger, or traumatize them for anywhere from hours to days.
Pregnant women, new mothers, growing children, and pubescent teens may be physically ill, experiencing severe mental stress, and suffering from other behind-the-scenes issues that may overwhelm them at someone's unexpected or unwelcome touch. Rubbing any part of their developing bodies may make them physically ill, overly conscious and critical of themselves, and contribute to problems such as body dysmorphic disorder (which can lead to eating disorders for example), anxiety, depression, and heighten their stress levels. This also objectifies them as items to be touched and not as people to be conversed with or respected. Some may only be stressed, angered, or distressed momentarily. Some may be traumatized and obsess over it each time they are overwhelmed by similar situations.
Adults, teens, and children with allergies risk allergic reactions when they are touched by others who many be carrying allergens. This can something as minor as a person hugging someone who was eating peanuts, and coming back to hug a child or pregnant woman with anaphylactic (life-threatening) allergies to peanuts afterwards, as the tiny nut particles set off a reaction and sends the innocent child or pregnant woman to the ER. This can be something as minor as wearing cosmetic items with fragrance and holding someone's hand, hugging, kissing, etc resulting in hives, allergic contact dermatitis, or other skin conditions on the areas of the person you touched, who is allergic to fragrance.
Back to consent.
Consent is more than a seven lettered word. It's a word with meaning, and one we should all remember. This isn't just about date raping and being groped in alleyways or on national TV. This is about everyone respecting everyone's personal space and boundaries. It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation or identity, social status, relationship status etc is. What matters is that we respect each other enough to understand that feelings, opinions, comfort levels, and boundaries matter.
Without prior knowledge, understanding, and consent, it's not "okay" to:
- Touch a member of the opposite sex just because you're gay.
- Touch a member of the same sex just because you're straight.
- Touch an employee just because you're the boss and you're on different "levels"
- Touch a relative because "it's family"
- Touch friends or acquaintances because "we're friends, it's okay, lighten up"
- Touch someone you're in a romantic, intimate, platonic, or sexual relationship with because the relationship makes you "entitled" to do so
- Touch someone older than you because "I'm too young for you, don't worry" or "I touch so by so who's your age all the time and they don't say anything"
- Touch someone younger than you because they're in a similar age group to someone else you know who let you touch them, or impose a specific relationship because you assume that would make it appropriate to touch the person
- Touch a stranger or a stranger's child because.......well why would you do that anyway? *rhetorical question*
No matter what the situation is or the relation to the person, it is never okay to do anything to or involving anyone without their prior knowledge, understanding, or consent. Otherwise, you would be violating their feelings, opinions, and right to feel comfortable, safe, and respected.
This is a very difficult message to bring across in the land of "all ah we is one family" where "no consent required" is shoved down many of our throats from a very young age for many of the excuses listed above.
Still don't get the big deal?
Look at the face of a child being forcefully grabbed and squeezed by someone they don't want interacting with them that way vs. the child who willfully and happily embraces someone they wish to interact with in a consensual, safe, appropriate manner.
Look at the body language of a couple willfully and happily consenting to be in each other's embrace vs. the body language of the relationship with a forceful, domineering partner instructing the other to obey their commands or a relationship with one party taking advantage of someone who is not in their right frame of mind due to a severe mental disorder, medication, or disorienting substances.
My point: Never assume that you are entitled to or that you have the right to do anything to or involving someone else without their prior knowledge, understanding, and overall consent. Someone else's ideologies and wants do not ever trump your feelings and comfort levels. Do you hear me? Not ever.
Touch is not the only thing that should require consent, but just one example. I know I've experienced the assumed "norm" of "no consent" many times and I've seen it happen as well. Have you? Did you feel comfortable? Did you like it? If you could say something about it, would you tell someone to continue doing things you were not comfortable with and did not approve of or want? Do you or would you extend this assumed "no consent" behavior and mentality in your interactions with others?
